Suffice it to say I am an introvert, and become more so the older I get. I have never been an initiator of conversations or someone who tells my secrets. I am very, very guarded, and while some of that comes from hurts and life experiences, a lot of it is just me. Since having a child, and from watching her personality grow and evolve, I've come to realize so much of who we are is just imprinted in our DNA. For me this has been a revelation of sorts (although being a Science-nerd it shouldn't have been so surprising), and it's caused me to look at myself a bit differently. These days I'm trying to be more gentle, and feel less guilt and annoyance when I am not the person I think I should be. It's slow going but I am feeling a shift inside myself and I've been doing a lot of soul searching for what might be missing in my life and how I'd like to fill in the spaces, in a comfortable and loving way. The biggest challenge for an introvert with a demanding toddler is finding time for myself. And that time is so very necessary, so that I stay healthy and happy. Fortunately I have a supportive husband who regularly pushes me out the front door (or at least tries to). Even an hour at a coffee shop so I can be with my thoughts is like injecting a healing elixir right into my veins. Which brings me to this blog. I've been thinking some about this space and I've realized through these thoughts that this space could be that 'time for myself'. It could be the space I recharge some and feel a bit more whole. Obvious right? That writing is healing and helps clear ones head...obvious for some yes, but I've never been much for the obvious. :)
I started this blog with grandiose visions of being the next Soulemama. Yeah, that is so not happening (I do LOVE her though)! But truthfully I would just like a place to share some of my thoughts and get out of my head some of the time. I started my first journal when I was probably 11 years old. I remember being very excited about it and began diligently writing in it every day. Soon though, the act of writing and the stories I had to say made me feel sad. So I stopped. Over the years I've begun a new journal several more times, but each and every time I stop after a half-dozen or so entries. It's tended to be exhausting for me to speak my truth. It's made me feel things too readily and that's just been too overwhelming. And then along came blogs, which I've been reading and admiring for years. I love the honesty that I see and the brave people who share their lives. I know most of the time the act is selfish but so often it becomes a source of inspiration and motivation for others. Essentially this is what I'd like: to be more honest, and brave, and possibly inspire someone else to speak their truth too.
And now, I must go give myself over to my toddler and play dress-up. :)
Love this post.
ReplyDeleteI wonder too, how much of us is just printed right into those base pairs - so strange and mysterious how they fit together. So incredible that you are seeing your wee one grow up and not just be influenced by the world but grow/spiral out from her own core self too.
I had grandiose plans for my blog when I started it too - and then continued to compare it to other blogs as I discovered new favourites along the way. It's really hard for me to not think of blogging as an extension of a school assignment, and to constantly feel like other people are getting better grades than me (ha ha... where's our chemist/blogger of the week award?) but they're not tests or assignments or anything except what we make of them (or what we have time to make of them!). They probably won't look like the polished, professional blogs of people who make their living online (at least not unless/until we decide to do the same and really invest in/develop them!) but what counts is that they reflect our voices. I love your voice! I'm so glad you're making this space to share your thoughts.
oxox
ps
The nice thing about blogging is that you can be brave and share a lot and feel social - and still be an introverted hermit! ; )